To express my gratitude journey, I feel it necessary to first express the extreme levels of my discontent to truly shed light on the intense journey that this has been and continues to be.
The past couple of years I have found myself riddled with feelings of self pity. I would often have an inner dialogue with myself that kept me buying into the self defeating, not enough, capitalistic cycle that our society feeds to us. I regularly would complain. When I would be in God's beautiful creation, I would complain that I was too cold instead of being grateful that I was blessed enough to have eyes to see the purple mountain majesty( forgive the patriotic reference), or legs that cooperate with what my brain tells it to do. When I was given a beautiful hand-crafted rug from Turkey from my brother-in-law, I was disgruntle because it had animals on it and it was a mustard-like color that did not match any of my decor. I regret my lack of enthusiasm when I opened this gift. I wish I would have appreciated the fact that this beautiful person lugged a big-ass rug around with him through the countryside and airport mayhem just so he could present us with a gift of love.
I look at the enormous amount of credit card debt that we have and I ask "Why God won't you provide a way out of this"--and for the numerous reasons that have added up to this debt-crap shoot; I need to stop and look at the amazing meals that my friends and family have cooked for us, and I am not talking Mac n Cheese here. I need to stop and be thankful that what I do have is ENOUGH.
Enough? What a completely irrational concept to grasp in our society. Media tempts me on a regular basis. I once saw a billboard with a big honkin picture of McDonald's french fries. There they were in all their greasy glory, and I immediately asked Rob to stop at the nearest MickeyD's so I could indulge. Did I mention that we had just delighted in free donuts and coffee at church and in all reality we were both sated? Enough in America isn't enough. That's why we have an obesity epidemic, a national debt in the billions, and personal debt not lagging far behind. Are we really that ungrateful?
I have in this journey come to this place where I can truly say I have had enough of this discontent. While I find myself still enticed by the cute outfit in the store window, I must go home afterward and look at my dresser and closet full of clothes and be thankful for what I do have, and not only for that but that God has given me the creative talent to recreate that cute outfit with what I do have.
Being ungrateful has taken me down some dark roads in search of more, more, more. As I reflect on my state of mind during these dark periods I can now see that I was allowing myself to be deceived. The truth is that I have been bought with a price so high, that I will never be able to repay. That while I have walked down those dark roads, I was seen by my heavenly Father as beloved. I am extended grace that IS sufficient, and nothing that I can do or not do will ever take that away. I wish this wasn't so hard to swallow, it seems like I should be able to pray more to earn this, or commit a heinous crime against humanity so that this would be taken away from me. This is not the truth. And while on my dark road I allowed myself to believe that I could never be forgiven and that what I had was not enough, I tried to get it on my own...beckoning this world to give me what I was searching for...more.
More than what though? More than the "enough"? I could not find more than enough because "enough" is a conscious decisions that I need to make. Its the view that I take when I do everything without complaining. Its the delight I take in the relationships that I have, the joy of knowing that I am a daughter of the King. And nothing in this world, NOTHING can offer me more or take that away. BUT in order to BE the daughter of the King, Beloved, I must not DO, but rest in this truth. Yikes-I have no control; hard to handle.
There is peace in being grateful there is unrest in being ungrateful.I want breath.
The past couple of years I have found myself riddled with feelings of self pity. I would often have an inner dialogue with myself that kept me buying into the self defeating, not enough, capitalistic cycle that our society feeds to us. I regularly would complain. When I would be in God's beautiful creation, I would complain that I was too cold instead of being grateful that I was blessed enough to have eyes to see the purple mountain majesty( forgive the patriotic reference), or legs that cooperate with what my brain tells it to do. When I was given a beautiful hand-crafted rug from Turkey from my brother-in-law, I was disgruntle because it had animals on it and it was a mustard-like color that did not match any of my decor. I regret my lack of enthusiasm when I opened this gift. I wish I would have appreciated the fact that this beautiful person lugged a big-ass rug around with him through the countryside and airport mayhem just so he could present us with a gift of love.
I look at the enormous amount of credit card debt that we have and I ask "Why God won't you provide a way out of this"--and for the numerous reasons that have added up to this debt-crap shoot; I need to stop and look at the amazing meals that my friends and family have cooked for us, and I am not talking Mac n Cheese here. I need to stop and be thankful that what I do have is ENOUGH.
Enough? What a completely irrational concept to grasp in our society. Media tempts me on a regular basis. I once saw a billboard with a big honkin picture of McDonald's french fries. There they were in all their greasy glory, and I immediately asked Rob to stop at the nearest MickeyD's so I could indulge. Did I mention that we had just delighted in free donuts and coffee at church and in all reality we were both sated? Enough in America isn't enough. That's why we have an obesity epidemic, a national debt in the billions, and personal debt not lagging far behind. Are we really that ungrateful?
I have in this journey come to this place where I can truly say I have had enough of this discontent. While I find myself still enticed by the cute outfit in the store window, I must go home afterward and look at my dresser and closet full of clothes and be thankful for what I do have, and not only for that but that God has given me the creative talent to recreate that cute outfit with what I do have.
Being ungrateful has taken me down some dark roads in search of more, more, more. As I reflect on my state of mind during these dark periods I can now see that I was allowing myself to be deceived. The truth is that I have been bought with a price so high, that I will never be able to repay. That while I have walked down those dark roads, I was seen by my heavenly Father as beloved. I am extended grace that IS sufficient, and nothing that I can do or not do will ever take that away. I wish this wasn't so hard to swallow, it seems like I should be able to pray more to earn this, or commit a heinous crime against humanity so that this would be taken away from me. This is not the truth. And while on my dark road I allowed myself to believe that I could never be forgiven and that what I had was not enough, I tried to get it on my own...beckoning this world to give me what I was searching for...more.
More than what though? More than the "enough"? I could not find more than enough because "enough" is a conscious decisions that I need to make. Its the view that I take when I do everything without complaining. Its the delight I take in the relationships that I have, the joy of knowing that I am a daughter of the King. And nothing in this world, NOTHING can offer me more or take that away. BUT in order to BE the daughter of the King, Beloved, I must not DO, but rest in this truth. Yikes-I have no control; hard to handle.
There is peace in being grateful there is unrest in being ungrateful.I want breath.
2 comments:
I hate when people don't comment....so, I wanted to tell you I really enjoyed this blog. You are growing so much....thank you for letting us all be apart of that. And by the way how do you link those other people's sites under inspiration points.
i just saw you have my blog up on your site. awww. that's sweet. i feel loved.
and what a lovely blog you have, my dear. i hope you're doing well.
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