My Gratitude Journey...

To express my gratitude journey, I feel it necessary to first express the extreme levels of my discontent to truly shed light on the intense journey that this has been and continues to be.
The past couple of years I have found myself riddled with feelings of self pity. I would often have an inner dialogue with myself that kept me buying into the self defeating, not enough, capitalistic cycle that our society feeds to us. I regularly would complain. When I would be in God's beautiful creation, I would complain that I was too cold instead of being grateful that I was blessed enough to have eyes to see the purple mountain majesty( forgive the patriotic reference), or legs that cooperate with what my brain tells it to do. When I was given a beautiful hand-crafted rug from Turkey from my brother-in-law, I was disgruntle because it had animals on it and it was a mustard-like color that did not match any of my decor. I regret my lack of enthusiasm when I opened this gift. I wish I would have appreciated the fact that this beautiful person lugged a big-ass rug around with him through the countryside and airport mayhem just so he could present us with a gift of love.
I look at the enormous amount of credit card debt that we have and I ask "Why God won't you provide a way out of this"--and for the numerous reasons that have added up to this debt-crap shoot; I need to stop and look at the amazing meals that my friends and family have cooked for us, and I am not talking Mac n Cheese here. I need to stop and be thankful that what I do have is ENOUGH.
Enough? What a completely irrational concept to grasp in our society. Media tempts me on a regular basis. I once saw a billboard with a big honkin picture of McDonald's french fries. There they were in all their greasy glory, and I immediately asked Rob to stop at the nearest MickeyD's so I could indulge. Did I mention that we had just delighted in free donuts and coffee at church and in all reality we were both sated? Enough in America isn't enough. That's why we have an obesity epidemic, a national debt in the billions, and personal debt not lagging far behind. Are we really that ungrateful?
I have in this journey come to this place where I can truly say I have had enough of this discontent. While I find myself still enticed by the cute outfit in the store window, I must go home afterward and look at my dresser and closet full of clothes and be thankful for what I do have, and not only for that but that God has given me the creative talent to recreate that cute outfit with what I do have.
Being ungrateful has taken me down some dark roads in search of more, more, more. As I reflect on my state of mind during these dark periods I can now see that I was allowing myself to be deceived. The truth is that I have been bought with a price so high, that I will never be able to repay. That while I have walked down those dark roads, I was seen by my heavenly Father as beloved. I am extended grace that IS sufficient, and nothing that I can do or not do will ever take that away. I wish this wasn't so hard to swallow, it seems like I should be able to pray more to earn this, or commit a heinous crime against humanity so that this would be taken away from me. This is not the truth. And while on my dark road I allowed myself to believe that I could never be forgiven and that what I had was not enough, I tried to get it on my own...beckoning this world to give me what I was searching for...more.
More than what though? More than the "enough"? I could not find more than enough because "enough" is a conscious decisions that I need to make. Its the view that I take when I do everything without complaining. Its the delight I take in the relationships that I have, the joy of knowing that I am a daughter of the King. And nothing in this world, NOTHING can offer me more or take that away. BUT in order to BE the daughter of the King, Beloved, I must not DO, but rest in this truth. Yikes-I have no control; hard to handle.
There is peace in being grateful there is unrest in being ungrateful.I want breath.

Blue Tranquil Waters

written sept.2006

blue tranquil waters wash over me.

i need to lye in your place.

my place has become filled with black intensity,

claustraphobia,

a tight place to not be.

blue tranquil waters come to me.

i cant even pull you in.

choose me.

i am in need of a place to rest.

connect me;

i will it so.

may it be so.

i do not like most people.

i judge you.

this isolation left me judging myself.

i feel so fucking empty.

fill me black muck.mucky-murky dirty pill--choke my life.

i lye here still.

now blue tranqul waters--NOW!

please hurry. i need your peace.

i will not hold my breath as you wash over me.

in through my pores absorbed in my flesh passing to the center of me.

find me.

that place is so filled with anxiety.

dry and cracked river bed

my soul is ready to retain you blue tranquil waters.

come- fill me.

daydreamer

daydream 1.i am sitting on my front porch in the summer-time at dusk with a pint of wheat beer with lemon wedge in hand. i am barefoot and i have my favorite red casual dress on. i am smiling as my friends and family play horseshoes on our lush green lawn. i can smell the dew settling and the aroma of roasted corn husk from hours earlier.****daydream 2. i am at our maine coastal home that sits on a bluff over looking the crashing ocean waves. it is just after harvest time and i am in a white dress with a basket of freshly picked strawberries.my fingers are stained red. the ocean breeze is blowing and i can smell the moss growing on the rocks below.****daydream 3.it is winter time and our closest friends are at our cabin in the mountains. we have a pot of chilli stewing. we have just come in from a long day of snowshoeing. we start a wood burning fire and put on out warm fuzzie fleece pants and play card games while drinking mexican hot chocolate.****daydream 4. we are vacationing in chile and we are sitting in a courtyard in the town square where many people pass by.i have a glass of local red wine. the walls around us are covered in 100yr old vines. it is sunset and the orange glow sets the mood perfect and accompanies the group of flamenco dancers as they twirl their multi-colored skirts. i can smell fresh seafood and cilantro being sauteed from the nearby kitchen.****daydream 5. we are on a five-day rafting trip in the canyons of utah and into arizona. we have plenty of close friends aboard and enough cheap beer to keep us laughing. we are telling great stories in between jumping off the boat and passing cliffs into the cool refreshing water. we smell of sunscreen and mud. i feel free under the cerlean blue sky.

mademoiselle

I have a new favorite purfume; it is Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle. It used to be Gap's So Pink(which in comparison to Coco is like diapers to thongs). It just so happened to dawn on me as I doused myself with this new glory scent...'Man I'm a woman!' This realization hits me probably once a day when I look at myself in the mirror and no longer see myself decked out in Stussy, rather my career professional garb. But now i am finding myself appreciating the "real stuff" of the purfume world. I wish i could come to terms with this "girl turns into woman" thing, but my world is surrounded with scary, unhappy middle-aged women who nag their husbands and have forgotten how to live, and have learned how to forget their dreams. So i am faced with this dilemma; can i wear my adult purfume and still dance
to U2 in front of the mirror? How did the middle-aged women get so far away from themselves? Did it begin with the day that they started liking adult purfume? If so...where is my receipt?

starbucks and cigarettes

I was driving to meet my next client for a consultation. While on the road i looked to my right to see a gathering of 7-10 employees out for a smoke break in front of the industrial wearhouse where they were employed. The cloud of smoke could be seen, and probably inhaled, from 1000 ft away. "Gross" i exclaimed to myself in the car. ten thoughts and a few blocks later, i remembered that i had a craving for a grande, non-fat , toffee- nut latte with whip, from the nearest starbucks in sight. lo' and behold -there she was; the beautiful lady clad in black and white, just beckoning me to come and get my fix. i made a quick left, and 2 minutes and 42 seconds later i slipped into a sudden "ahhh" state of mind. then i got back to thinking, you know...about the "human chimneys" that i quickly wrote off. i found that i had some built up resentment towards the "smokers" . i mean, why do they get those few extra breaks during the work day? the starbucks queen was staring me right in the eye, i felt like she was trying to tell me something. A Ha! i too was receiving my little "smoke" break. i was selfishly feeding my addiction during the workday just like the employees i had seen earlier on my drive. i think i was more jealous of the "smokers" b/c they took the extra time to smell the roses. i realized that this addiction that i have with starbucks allows me to stop and "smell the coffee".

females unite

i am just gonna put it out there. life is better with a few good girlfriends to accompany you.

ever since i moved to colorado eight years ago, i have taken a real interest in nature. i love being out in the wilderness, getting in touch with the way things used to be. simplicity. i try to imagine what i would do if the open sky were my only means of shelter. the feminist in me gets really riled up and bellows hymns of "you can do it"-survival. that same feminist voice is met by the sweet nurturing voice that hums "caution and reserve". where am i in the isolation that these voices leave me in?

in my mountaineering endeavors thus far i have only found company with my husband and his extreme guy friends. while i love spending these moments with the mister, he is all about getting to the top. "push harder,keep going" i do not find peace in this.

i want to pick the indian paintbrush, smell the pine cones roasting in the hot sun, sit on boulders and enjoy the panoramic views. these differences, at times made me feel discouraged and anxious about future mountaineering adventures. until one day i went rock climbing with a female. in rock climbing trips in the past with the male gender i didn't respond to the "push harder-make it to the top" commentary. i would find myself exhausted and rarely ever making it to the top. rock climbing with a female was a whole new ballgame. i had my best day climbing when i was with kindred spirit-female. i even made it past a difficult overhang. her commentary met my soul and motivated both the feminist and sweet nurturing voice that i believe all of us females struggle with in discerning which voice will be louder for the day.

we females meet each others isolation, confusion, anxiety. we together sing songs of moderation. and in that moderation where our individual pendulum- swinging voices of isolation, we find that we can do it after all. it is indeed every females fear that maybe she cannot do it-whatever the task may be. but when we come together in community with other women and meet these fears head on--we often find that we really can accomplish much. and when we cannot, there is no shame among like community, only the sweet nurturing voices that comforts us and then motivates us onto to further great accomplishments.

today i encourage you to call on your female sisters and offer to walk along side them in there tasks. because together we really can do it!

thank you to all of my sisters who are walking along-side me.

let it snow...

for those of you in the country who haven't heard, denver is getting hammered with snow this year. it started the week before christmas with just under two feet of the white stuff. schools, stores, and airports were closed down. we had a beautiful white christmas. then the next week we had another foot of snow, then the next two weeks following even MORE snow. it has been a long time since i have seen the grass around here. and if you know anything about colorado weather you know that this is absolutely abnormal for us.

the meteorologists are blaming it on el nino--whoever is to blame for this exceptionally white winter i must stop and try to learn the lesson that this season is trying to teach me. i must take this moment.this season cannot fall on dead ears.

so here i am paying attention.---

this has been an extremely difficult season for me. starting in fall i started recognizing my dead leaves. i was faced daily with the death i was producing, and i kept hoping a huge wind storm would come and blow the death away from me. slowly but surely, my dead leaves fell off. now with this abnormally dead winter i must look at the heaps of snow as an offering of hope for new life. the dead leaves buried waste high in snow are really dying--thank god! i mean they are buried more than they ever could have been in winters past. so i must wait through this season. locked up in my cozy warm home, reading life producing literature, sipping soul warming tea.

i must admit i am getting a little anxious. i had a dream the other night that i could see tulips growing up through the snow, and i felt scared for that new life, because i knew it wasn't its season yet, it was the wrong time. clearly this was my anxiety in dream form.

and so i will continue to wait until the snow composes seasons past dead leaves so that they provide nutrient rich soil for the tulips to grow. i cannot jeopardize becoming next seasons tulips. i hear they are going to be spectacular this spring. i must be grateful for this season-- so to you winter i thank you for your hope of spring.

alas...

this is my first blog. i am hoping that this can be an outlet for creativity. i guess there is a certain level of accountability here. i need the structure; but what artist doesn't? heres to new creations...