I want to be doing something else with my life. In the deepest parts of my soul I find solace in the idea of living up here in the mountains and being more connected to the earth. I want to grow a majority of my food, have lots of babies running around in cloth diapers and cowboy boots. I want to make lots of love with my husband, and make beautiful art as well. I want to invest in my community and be inspirational whilst being inspired. I feel like I am not really living true to these desires. I do believe this can happen for me, as I know my Lord would not put this here to taunt me. But how? I have a lot of liabilities, which sounds like an excuse. But the this Bohemian lifestyle seems to be void of any income. I am scared of the what ifs....
Two sayings really annoy me right now;
"Do what you love and the money will follow"
"Live in the present"
They both involve risk and trust. I have so much doubt that this will come into fruition for my life because i know my apathetic tendencies, and have a hard time believing that i could muster up enough self discipline to move forward. So I should live now and let tomorrow work itself out, but that's very passive. How does God's movement within the day to day bring these dreams to a reality? I feel like the answer to this is that right now God is moving in the background. God always works that way. Its unfortunate that its not until a dream is realized that I see this movement. The blessing behind being present with today is that you actually do become aware of how God is living, acting, and breathing right now, right within the confines of this very paragraph!
Oh how I long for this. I know that corporate America no longer calls my name.
Bring me Oh Lord to a place of "right now" so that I can thank you for what you do through out the seconds of my day. Lead me to trust in you continually, and to never let my doubt obstruct the belief that you are who you say you are.
