Corporate Killer

I want to be doing something else with my life. In the deepest parts of my soul I find solace in the idea of living up here in the mountains and being more connected to the earth. I want to grow a majority of my food, have lots of babies running around in cloth diapers and cowboy boots. I want to make lots of love with my husband, and make beautiful art as well. I want to invest in my community and be inspirational whilst being inspired. I feel like I am not really living true to these desires. I do believe this can happen for me, as I know my Lord would not put this here to taunt me. But how? I have a lot of liabilities, which sounds like an excuse. But the this Bohemian lifestyle seems to be void of any income. I am scared of the what ifs....

Two sayings really annoy me right now;

"Do what you love and the money will follow"

"Live in the present"

They both involve risk and trust. I have so much doubt that this will come into fruition for my life because i know my apathetic tendencies, and have a hard time believing that i could muster up enough self discipline to move forward. So I should live now and let tomorrow work itself out, but that's very passive. How does God's movement within the day to day bring these dreams to a reality? I feel like the answer to this is that right now God is moving in the background. God always works that way. Its unfortunate that its not until a dream is realized that I see this movement. The blessing behind being present with today is that you actually do become aware of how God is living, acting, and breathing right now, right within the confines of this very paragraph!

Oh how I long for this. I know that corporate America no longer calls my name.

Bring me Oh Lord to a place of "right now" so that I can thank you for what you do through out the seconds of my day. Lead me to trust in you continually, and to never let my doubt obstruct the belief that you are who you say you are.

God speaks through GOOGLE

PREFACE
For the longest time I have told myself that I was going to write a book called
"God speaks through GOOGLE", since I have recently embraced the fact that I have too short of an attention span to write a memoir of my revelations, I will attempt to insert what is the most obvious proof of God's living breath in my personal reality.

EAGLE
You see, God really does speak through GOOGLE. Let me explain- the first time I had this experience I was twenty-three. I was a newly-wed who had just moved away from everything I knew to a small mountain town. We lived on a very solemn ranch nestled on five hundred acres with views that would knock the wind out of you. Naturally, I had a lot of time to reflect. One way that I really connect with Creator God is to create through painting. I had been particularly depressed one afternoon, and as we all know, most artists create their best stuff while under the influence of gloom and doom. I decided to go to God in prayer with my heavy heart and my paintbrush and co-create; meaning that I paint while in a state of prayer and mediation and allow any and everything to come out on canvas.When I am finished I try to reflect on what showed up on the canvas and ask God what it means. With this particular painting I began to see an eagle form. I found this very intriguing as I typically don't paint animals; it reminds me too much of when all girls turn age nine and learn to draw their first horse and at that an eagle is way to patriotic for my mover and shaker type of personality. Nevertheless, there the bald eagle was staring me in the face. The next morning I discussed the painting with a women who I felt to be very spiritual. As I was explaining how curious it was that the eagle showed up, she began to describe a very natural biological process that eagles go through. During some point of every eagle's life, the go through a time of waiting where they don't fly. They lose most of their feathers only to grow more substantial ones. Growing up I had to memorize bible verses, so the verse in Isaiah 40:31 came to mind; it reads "But those who wait on the Lord will find their strentgh renewed. They will rise on wings of eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not grow weak." I began to understand that for this period of my life, and until I actually physically observed a eagle myself that I would be in a period of waiting with the hope that I would soar at greater heights because of it.Here's where GOOGLE comes in. I decided to search for "eagle" to see what else I would gather. Everything within the top five suggested the same theme. So I waited, and waited, and waited. I kept looking everywhere for eagles. When Spring came the local newspaper had an eagle on the front page. I was taken away by the article which had told of the recent migration of an eagle that had returned to our little town. I determined that this might be my time to actually see an eagle, so I took note of the location and drove with my husband to take a peek. To my surprise I wasn't all that emotional when I saw the eagle. I had envisioned that moment as a frame in a movie; you know the one where father and son have been separated for many years and upon homecoming , with open arms and shirt drenching tears? Well, not the case for me. I guessed that was the end of it, although the "it" was still a mystery to me. Two weeks later in the same newspaper, right dead front and center reads the title "Year of the eagle in Glen wood Springs". Here's where the movie frame plays out. I had goosebumps in places that I never knew that I could get goosebumps. That very eagle I saw two weeks ago had babies. The article talked of how rare this was, and that it hasn't happened in umpteen years. Holy shit, right? I mean here I was with this painting, a childhood bible verse, and a hunch from GOOGLE that I was to wait. Turns out to not be quite a hunch after all. You may be asking yourself; "Well, what was she waiting for?". I think that I am constantly waiting. The waiting is a very real theme in my life that frustrates the hell out of me. But I think the real key is that I wait upon the Lord as my life unfolds, and as I do this I am more peaceful and energized, as opposed to my natural, anxious, high stung self. So there you have it.

The Lotus-
The story of the Lotus also involve God speaking through GOOGLE. recognizant of the way the eagle story unfolds, I decided to co create and let whatever comes out on the canvas speak to me. In this particular painting I had painted two flowers, one I knew was a magnolia; which is a whole different story, and the other I was unsure of.It was held in the hand of what I knew to be a god-like figure. I showed my mentor the painting and she asked if the other flower was a lotus, and I said yes. The lotus in my painting haunted me like an ingrown hair. I simply had to find it's orgin. I decided to give GOOGLE a try again and see what it had to offer. Maybe God would speak like the last time. I clicked on the first link, after all, if God was going to speak it had to be in the most closely related search. The first link told of what a mystic flower the lotus is. It is the only flower that blooms and bears fruit at the same time. It rises out of the muddy waters to display a magnificent bloom. It went on the say that in ancient Egypt most artefactual images depict that hand of God holding out the lotus as an offering. There it happened again, my very painting had a lotus in the hand of God. I started sobbing. This very voice of God,this offering of rising up out of the mud was a very disctint message of hope for my life. I NEEDED to hear that message at that very point in my life. Personally,I was right in the middle of a trainwreck that I created. Like a the bottom of a pond, I felt like scum. Through cocreating, and Google, this lotus began to direct m journey breaking through the sludge, only to blossom, and bear fruit as the beautiful individual that I am.

Etc.
And there is so much more. There is the time in my life when oddly enough beetles kept landing on me, when I googled "beetle" the links talked of how fascinating their shells are, that they provide protection from unforeseen enemies.Just as I was being protected from all that I feared by my loving God. Or the time I painted a dream I had where the holy spirit and I were looking eye to eye with a blue energy ring in between us, only to Google that image and find a woman outside of a church with a blue energy circle around her. I think of how truly awesome it is that we have a living God that speaks today. To some it is through physical activity, to tothers through the face of a child, and to me through GOOGLE. AMEN.

this picture is a result of searching on google image "eagle" and I came accross this perfect blend of my themes

My Gratitude Journey...

To express my gratitude journey, I feel it necessary to first express the extreme levels of my discontent to truly shed light on the intense journey that this has been and continues to be.
The past couple of years I have found myself riddled with feelings of self pity. I would often have an inner dialogue with myself that kept me buying into the self defeating, not enough, capitalistic cycle that our society feeds to us. I regularly would complain. When I would be in God's beautiful creation, I would complain that I was too cold instead of being grateful that I was blessed enough to have eyes to see the purple mountain majesty( forgive the patriotic reference), or legs that cooperate with what my brain tells it to do. When I was given a beautiful hand-crafted rug from Turkey from my brother-in-law, I was disgruntle because it had animals on it and it was a mustard-like color that did not match any of my decor. I regret my lack of enthusiasm when I opened this gift. I wish I would have appreciated the fact that this beautiful person lugged a big-ass rug around with him through the countryside and airport mayhem just so he could present us with a gift of love.
I look at the enormous amount of credit card debt that we have and I ask "Why God won't you provide a way out of this"--and for the numerous reasons that have added up to this debt-crap shoot; I need to stop and look at the amazing meals that my friends and family have cooked for us, and I am not talking Mac n Cheese here. I need to stop and be thankful that what I do have is ENOUGH.
Enough? What a completely irrational concept to grasp in our society. Media tempts me on a regular basis. I once saw a billboard with a big honkin picture of McDonald's french fries. There they were in all their greasy glory, and I immediately asked Rob to stop at the nearest MickeyD's so I could indulge. Did I mention that we had just delighted in free donuts and coffee at church and in all reality we were both sated? Enough in America isn't enough. That's why we have an obesity epidemic, a national debt in the billions, and personal debt not lagging far behind. Are we really that ungrateful?
I have in this journey come to this place where I can truly say I have had enough of this discontent. While I find myself still enticed by the cute outfit in the store window, I must go home afterward and look at my dresser and closet full of clothes and be thankful for what I do have, and not only for that but that God has given me the creative talent to recreate that cute outfit with what I do have.
Being ungrateful has taken me down some dark roads in search of more, more, more. As I reflect on my state of mind during these dark periods I can now see that I was allowing myself to be deceived. The truth is that I have been bought with a price so high, that I will never be able to repay. That while I have walked down those dark roads, I was seen by my heavenly Father as beloved. I am extended grace that IS sufficient, and nothing that I can do or not do will ever take that away. I wish this wasn't so hard to swallow, it seems like I should be able to pray more to earn this, or commit a heinous crime against humanity so that this would be taken away from me. This is not the truth. And while on my dark road I allowed myself to believe that I could never be forgiven and that what I had was not enough, I tried to get it on my own...beckoning this world to give me what I was searching for...more.
More than what though? More than the "enough"? I could not find more than enough because "enough" is a conscious decisions that I need to make. Its the view that I take when I do everything without complaining. Its the delight I take in the relationships that I have, the joy of knowing that I am a daughter of the King. And nothing in this world, NOTHING can offer me more or take that away. BUT in order to BE the daughter of the King, Beloved, I must not DO, but rest in this truth. Yikes-I have no control; hard to handle.
There is peace in being grateful there is unrest in being ungrateful.I want breath.

Blue Tranquil Waters

written sept.2006

blue tranquil waters wash over me.

i need to lye in your place.

my place has become filled with black intensity,

claustraphobia,

a tight place to not be.

blue tranquil waters come to me.

i cant even pull you in.

choose me.

i am in need of a place to rest.

connect me;

i will it so.

may it be so.

i do not like most people.

i judge you.

this isolation left me judging myself.

i feel so fucking empty.

fill me black muck.mucky-murky dirty pill--choke my life.

i lye here still.

now blue tranqul waters--NOW!

please hurry. i need your peace.

i will not hold my breath as you wash over me.

in through my pores absorbed in my flesh passing to the center of me.

find me.

that place is so filled with anxiety.

dry and cracked river bed

my soul is ready to retain you blue tranquil waters.

come- fill me.

daydreamer

daydream 1.i am sitting on my front porch in the summer-time at dusk with a pint of wheat beer with lemon wedge in hand. i am barefoot and i have my favorite red casual dress on. i am smiling as my friends and family play horseshoes on our lush green lawn. i can smell the dew settling and the aroma of roasted corn husk from hours earlier.****daydream 2. i am at our maine coastal home that sits on a bluff over looking the crashing ocean waves. it is just after harvest time and i am in a white dress with a basket of freshly picked strawberries.my fingers are stained red. the ocean breeze is blowing and i can smell the moss growing on the rocks below.****daydream 3.it is winter time and our closest friends are at our cabin in the mountains. we have a pot of chilli stewing. we have just come in from a long day of snowshoeing. we start a wood burning fire and put on out warm fuzzie fleece pants and play card games while drinking mexican hot chocolate.****daydream 4. we are vacationing in chile and we are sitting in a courtyard in the town square where many people pass by.i have a glass of local red wine. the walls around us are covered in 100yr old vines. it is sunset and the orange glow sets the mood perfect and accompanies the group of flamenco dancers as they twirl their multi-colored skirts. i can smell fresh seafood and cilantro being sauteed from the nearby kitchen.****daydream 5. we are on a five-day rafting trip in the canyons of utah and into arizona. we have plenty of close friends aboard and enough cheap beer to keep us laughing. we are telling great stories in between jumping off the boat and passing cliffs into the cool refreshing water. we smell of sunscreen and mud. i feel free under the cerlean blue sky.

mademoiselle

I have a new favorite purfume; it is Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle. It used to be Gap's So Pink(which in comparison to Coco is like diapers to thongs). It just so happened to dawn on me as I doused myself with this new glory scent...'Man I'm a woman!' This realization hits me probably once a day when I look at myself in the mirror and no longer see myself decked out in Stussy, rather my career professional garb. But now i am finding myself appreciating the "real stuff" of the purfume world. I wish i could come to terms with this "girl turns into woman" thing, but my world is surrounded with scary, unhappy middle-aged women who nag their husbands and have forgotten how to live, and have learned how to forget their dreams. So i am faced with this dilemma; can i wear my adult purfume and still dance
to U2 in front of the mirror? How did the middle-aged women get so far away from themselves? Did it begin with the day that they started liking adult purfume? If so...where is my receipt?

starbucks and cigarettes

I was driving to meet my next client for a consultation. While on the road i looked to my right to see a gathering of 7-10 employees out for a smoke break in front of the industrial wearhouse where they were employed. The cloud of smoke could be seen, and probably inhaled, from 1000 ft away. "Gross" i exclaimed to myself in the car. ten thoughts and a few blocks later, i remembered that i had a craving for a grande, non-fat , toffee- nut latte with whip, from the nearest starbucks in sight. lo' and behold -there she was; the beautiful lady clad in black and white, just beckoning me to come and get my fix. i made a quick left, and 2 minutes and 42 seconds later i slipped into a sudden "ahhh" state of mind. then i got back to thinking, you know...about the "human chimneys" that i quickly wrote off. i found that i had some built up resentment towards the "smokers" . i mean, why do they get those few extra breaks during the work day? the starbucks queen was staring me right in the eye, i felt like she was trying to tell me something. A Ha! i too was receiving my little "smoke" break. i was selfishly feeding my addiction during the workday just like the employees i had seen earlier on my drive. i think i was more jealous of the "smokers" b/c they took the extra time to smell the roses. i realized that this addiction that i have with starbucks allows me to stop and "smell the coffee".